If my memory serves me correct, a man named Sigmund Freud said that a relationship is 70% compatibility, 20% trust, and 10% physical attraction. Of course, this is also the same man that says most mental illness stems from childhood jealousy of our fathers (whether it is dominance between phallus sizes or the envy of a phallus). But beside the point, even though I do not agree some of the other findings of Freud’s, I do believe he has some good points when it comes to summarizing a relationship at a quantitative value.
However, this is not the way humans try to tackle the battle of being in a relationship with someone. We do not try to first find someone we can be friends with, then see if we can trust them with all our secrets, and then see if we are sexually attracted to them. In fact, we follow the 10-70-20. We first see if we are sexually attracted to them, see if we can be friends with them, and then see if we can trust them with all our secrets. Why? It is because that though we do not follow the most logical pattern (taking on the biggest problem before the smaller ones), we follow the pattern that nature tells us.
The reason we look for the 10%, or physical and sexual attraction first, is because we truly are studying the genetics of the person before we get to know them. We all want our children to be healthy and have the best chance of surviving in the world. We can determine this by simply looking at a person. We study their muscle structure, their bone density, and their ability to raise children all just by looking at a person.
This is the reason typically, why women choose men who have these characteristics, (1) Taller than them by at least 2 inches, (2) Has broader shoulders and back, (3) Has a low body fat percentage, and (4) Has a mesomorphic body type (muscular body type). The reason for this, is because although we live in a more equal society where men and women’s roles are not as stereotypical, we still believe in our biological nature that a man should fit a certain set of characteristics. Why? It is because our ancestors observed each other and noticed that those who had the best advantage at living, fit those characteristics. A taller man meant that although they may appear thin, because of the length, one could assume that the muscles were just stretched because the surface area is larger. Then, a broader shoulders and back meant a potential in muscle development. Next, a low body fat percentage means that they are active and athletic enough to compete and hunt for food. And finally, although many men who are tall, thin, and have broad shoulders and back, they are not what women find attractive most of the time. Why? This is because a mesomorphic body type are those who had probably been able to survive long enough to pass on their genes because they fit all of the criteria mentioned before, but they are naturally more muscular than other men. This causes them to have an advantage. Yes, many women do not always want these certain characteristics, but in general, this is what most women in society want a man to look like.
This also applies for women as well. Men also noticed in the time before civilization, that women who had certain characteristics also had the best chance for survival. These characteristics are, (1) Breasts usually the size about a C or D cup, or smaller, (2) Larger hips in ratio to waist (usually the waist is about .75 the size of the hips), (3) Legs are usually longer in proportion to torso (meaning the legs were the same or greater in length than the length of the head, neck and torso combined), and (4) Have fuller lips (not necessarily longer lips). Why? Well, contrary to popular belief, men do not want women if F cups or some unrealistic huge size. The reason for this, is because that size A, B, C, and D cups, are small enough so that the female may run quickly enough if needed, but large enough so that they think they’re able to produce enough milk for a child (we know now that larger breasts does not mean more milk, but they probably believed this in earlier times). Then larger hips, although are not good for running (for the person tends to make their legs curve inward while running, causing speed to slow down), mean more room for a baby to leave the birth canal unharmed. Next, legs longer than the woman’s torso, this again, leads to the need to run in order to survive. Longer legs will mean more ground can be covered, and means a greater chance to survive. Finally, fuller lips are also desired for women. Why? It is a very important thing, and not just cosmetically desirable. It serves two purposes, (1) Lips have a lot of nerves that stimulate sexually, which is why we have the act of kissing. A woman’s ability to be aroused (or produce enough vaginal mucus) will greatly effect the chance of reproduction. For if a woman is not aroused, a man will have a hard time putting his penis into her vagina, and also, when a woman orgasms, this action makes the mucus to move the sperm deposited into the vagina to easily move past the cervix and proceed to easily fertilize the egg, (2) The lips on your face actually do somewhat resemble a woman’s own vaginal lips. Fuller lips in the face, usually means fuller vaginal lips. Fuller vaginal lips means more stimulation to the penis, which causes more male orgasms. Although these characteristics aren’t always what a man wants, this is generally what men in society look for in a healthy woman.
The reason nature tells us to follow this pattern, is because before there was extreme frontal lob brain thinking (the development of emotions and morals), humans only thought of survival. We still do, and so, we are able to to put up the discomfort of being with a person whom we may not like as much, if they are more attractive or desirable, because we all want the best for our offspring. After all, doesn’t every parent want what’s best for their child? But sexual attraction only makes a relationship last a year usually at most.
It is after survival is taken care of that we take on compatibility. Relationships obviously do not rely on physical attraction alone. However, physical attraction can lead to compatibility and trust. The reason for this is that sex produces oxytocin, a chemical that leads humans to be more open and trusting, because it causes us pleasure. In other words, people are able to learn more about each other and how compatible they are. This is kind of nature’s way of skipping the hardest problem by having the simplest problem having an answer for the hardest problem. Compatibility is the reason why relationships can last for several years. Having similarities in certain things that extremely please people (activities, interests, food, etc…), that also produce the chemical oxytocin, means that they are more likely to be with a certain person because we are given the feeling of pleasure simply by being near a certain individual.
Although it’s not always the case. Sex can lead to compatibility (if and only if both individuals in the relationship share hobbies and interests).
But there is really nothing that can lead to the final step in which nature wants relationships to tackle. TRUST. Although frontal lob brain thinking is influenced by sex, the part of trust in the frontal lob is very small. Why? Trust is a feeling of survival. Meaning, that although a person may have a smart and beautiful person as their partner, they still might not be able to trust them. Trust is a very unknown factor in relationships. Many people have a hard time trusting people near them because of shame or worrying that the other people will not want to be around them anymore and abandon them. This feeling is due to the fact that humans who are by themselves in earlier times, meant that that person’s chances or survival dropped by 42%. So it is hard to trust.
It is perhaps the hardest part of relationships. There really isn’t a science behind trust. Yes, smell, compatibility, and sex, can influence a person to trust you more, but it is still possible for a person to not be able to trust. All cases of mistrust in relationships is unique and there is no solution other than patience and giving them trust. If you give them trust, then chances are, they will give you trust back.
Why did I feel like talking about relationships? Simply, I just have it on my mind right now. I can’t help but feel that perhaps we understand too much about the science of relationships that we underestimate the magic they have. And yes, we can try to prove why people are compatible, but science will never be able to explain things about relationships and what they can do. Or even why we continue to search for them even though relationships have technically lost their purpose and need. It is those things that science will never be able to explain.
11 Responses »
This shoe from Elizabeth and James, I mean, look at it. The suede with the cutout pattern is sweet, but the dark polished wood says a badgirl. I would get these if I could find one in my size.
Purple is my favorite color. Anything with purple, almost guaranteed I am going to like. But this shoe is awesome! I mean, the ruching, the ruffles, the buckle, it’s all stuff I like. Linea Paolo isn’t the brand of my choice but this shoe is awesome. But I already have Yves Saint Laurent shoes similar to these so I don’t want to buy them… maybe…
Again, another Elizabeth and James shoe. It comes in pink and yellow. I think the contrasting trim on the pink one really makes it look nicer than the yellow. The thing I like most about this shoe is that the platform is not measured all the way to the edge of the sole, which makes it look interesting. It makes your eyes do a double take.
I love Brian Atwood shoes. I like snakeskin shoes. Add the two together and you get this lovely shoe. I like that he used yellow, people use red and black way too much. Yellow is a nice change. ^_^
I am not a fan of Proenza Schouler’s shoes really, but this one is an exception. Look at all the colors! But even though it seems like a crazy shoe, really, you could wear this with a variety of outfits because of that.
Although it pains me somewhat to see this shoe, even in death Alexander McQueen’s shoes are beautiful. It is wonderful work like this left behind that we can see that this man was an artist…
